In the last post I made I talked about how I got started practicing yoga. I needed to do it for my back, and later I truly needed it for my anxiety and depression. Let me first talk a little more in depth about my crippling anxiousness and depression; it was a scary time. I was in university two and a half hours away from my family and everything I was familiar with, I was living alone and was drowning in school work. I completely isolated myself from my friends, I was like a timid mouse worried that the world was out to get me. I felt as though I was suffocating, I felt trapped. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to have friends, I wasn’t smart enough to get good grades, I didn’t feel worthy enough to participate as a normal person in every day life. I felt inadequate, like a failure, like a stupid human, I was constantly afraid of saying something awkward and felt like I would always be judged. I over analyzed every situation, thinking wow, why did I say that, they must think I am stupid. I would spend many restless nights thinking about the events on replay about how others must be judging me. How they must say nasty things because I am such an idiot.

I told myself every story in the book about how I did not belong. And the worst part was that I believed every single word. Every negative thought that came to my mind went straight to my heart. I truly believed that I was a total and complete f*** up. My anxiety was so bad that talking to the cashier at the grocery store took all the courage I had to roll my cart to her till. And afterwards when I got home, I’d crash because the whole adventure of getting groceries exhausted me to the point that I needed to nap. The negative shitstorm that was going on inside me was draining the life out of me day in and day out this was a continuous cycle. I cried every single day because I was suffering and the only one that was allowing myself to suffer was me. I couldn’t see that at the time though. The monsters I would go to sleep with at night I woke up to the next morning. I needed help I needed to escape my own body but could not. When I had gone to the doctor and he suggested a menu list of pills I refused. For me it was not the path I wanted to take, he then sent me to a councillor, which helped, they had given me some tools to work with. More homework to add to my school work which I did try hard to keep with. After a few months I went back to my doctor with only a slight change and he suggested the anti-depressant and anti anxiety-pills and I still could not. It did not feel right.

He said to me that I had better start making time for myself; which did not make a lot of sense to me. He told me that I needed to slow down the stress I was putting on my heart was detrimental and at the age of 20 was very concerning. He asked if I had been doing my yoga for my back, I answered honestly; “no I didn’t have time with my school work I was having trouble even having time to shower and make proper meals. He gave me a look and told me I needed to start taking care of myself properly.” He told me that if I was not going to take medication than I needed to find other things to help myself. He told me that yoga has been proven to release stress, but any exercise would do that too. He said to go online and find things that would work for me. I left the doctors office feeling stressed as I drove home and cried. WTF was I supposed to do now? I went home and took a deep breath let the tears flow and opened my computer and pick a yoga video, it was 42 minutes long and I did every minute of it then I showered. Have you ever showered, and it felt like you just washed away apart of you that you have been trying so hard to scrub off? That was the shower for me I felt refreshed and renewed. I got out of the shower and worked on my school work. I had a deep sleep that night as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out. I woke up feeling a little lighter, I had some clarity and my muscle were very sore.  That day I had to pack up to go back to school I drove the two and a half hours and when I got back to my apartment I didn’t unpack. I took my computer from my backpack and turned it on and found another yoga video and followed it though.

Yoga was doing something to me. Being on my mat and doing each pose; however it looked, it allowed me to leave my mind and thoughts behind allowing me to focus on that moment in time. I was focused on my breath, on how my muscles were feeling in each position. From that day I made it a priority to move my body, because it was meant to be moved. Sitting in my bedroom on my computer doing school work and isolating myself from the rest of the world was not what my body was made for doing. Each day I needed to do even the smallest of movements. I slowly felt myself get stronger and braver, getting lost in the transition from pose to pose was exactly what I needed. I made time to do this for myself. My body and mind had been shutting down on me and I was shutting down on the world; I owed my self yoga.

XO

Kristy